I am helpless and hopeless: A brief rambling of the ages Note, please ignore my whinging going forward (below). Despite what this batty bat may try to tell you, it's all foma, I've actually got it pretty good.

I feel that I should be more clear about the streaming hiatuses. The first, as batbros may know, was because I wanted to take time to polish the stream experience, as well as work on model and assets. Which I did, but wasn't making good progress on. Despite my low skill in graphic design and (not to brag) mediocre skillset in other art parts, I can be a perfectionist. This is not conducive to the goal of making progress. Eventually, I decided that if I wasn't going to sufficiently Make, then I may as well Stream. End hiatus 1.

Return stream 1, all right. Next one, some lag. Stream 3, yet again lag. A pattern was noticed, and so until internet improves (unlikely) or I get my own WiFi network (which will take "some" time) there will be no streaming. (But still everything else !!!)

I will admit, this statistic is on the low end of the network speed nowadays for me. But even then, on average both download and upload speed are just barely above 10 Mbit/s. And the best is double that, how lucky.
Don't bother trying to mess around with the exposure or any other aspect to try to sniff out my IP address. For one, that probably won't work here (probably) and even if you did all you'd find out is what VPN I use. Turning off the VPN doesn't up the numbers much.

I'm not too familiar on the specifics of what changed, because previously all was well. I don't remember what the numbers were then nor do I have screenshots, but I think it might have been some under 70 Mbit/s. What I do know I won't disclose, both because it could compromise me and also because I think I'm wrong in some way.

The specifics of the matter don't matter. Tee El Dee Arr, no strem for Wifi reasons :/

Having my hands tied for hardware/internet reasons isn't really new to me. I can't run a lot of things on account of, you know, how Apple Silicon is. It's ungrateful to whine about the computer I got for free (albeit secondhand). But at least I was able to stream, you know? You understand? It's different now. Now, there is nothing I can do bar getting monies to pay for my own WiFi and get different hardware, but minimum wage is like ¥1k/hr I think and even then it's not like anyone is hiring me. It's always about money.

What isn't about money is about time. Waxing poetic about the cruelty of time, how it robs one of love and lovers, is a tired theme. But it's so common and hence tired because it's universal. When you're rich, you buy time through top-tier hospitals when you're on death's door, and assistants to handle the mundane in everyday life. When you're poor, well, the weight of time applies all the same, or even more so.

Did you know? Cats are especially susceptible to developing kidney problems. Since modern housecats are derived from African wildcats, which lived in deserts. Maybe there's more to it. There probably is.
And then, as veterinary science improved, and when people keep their cats indoors, these cats live longer. But their kidneys aren't made for that long life. And despite how far animal care has progressed, we still don't have kitty dialysis. We can't treat their kitty liver disease.

I just want more time with my cat.
He's still alive at time of writing, but he won't be for very long. A week or two at most. I know I should be grateful, that he's made it to almost-nineteen-years-old. Many cats don't make it to seniority. We got him when I was pretty young, so I don't remember life without him. When his life ends ultimately through euthenasia, I want to be for with him. But I can't, because I can't afford the fare to go Home, and more importantly I can't just skip out on this Terrible School for a reason that probably won't be approved anyway.

This damn school, I should have quit while I could. I'm too far into my four years to turn away, though it's not as much about the time invested as it is the school tuition. I did check some source, and if I'd enrolled into a national or public university my (family's) wallet's burden would be lessened considerably. In retrospect, why didn't I just enroll in one of those? Public universities are considered the four years of freedom, since the entrance exam is the hardest part and the rest is a breeze. From what little I hear, it's a lot of partying and drinking and such. I imagine there's some of that here too, but I wouldn't really know. I've never joined a club (pre-college too) or a circle. Wow. That, is a fault of my personality, which is entirely within my control. But it feels good to complain about my loneliness.

Real time, 5 Oct. I received news that his euthenasia has been scheduled. I knew as soon as the phone rang. This feels like a sick joke. JST 2:27

Writing was meant to be a distraction. But, I don't know if I want that. I need to feel this, even if I can't see him now.

Going through my photo gallery and seeing him. Last I saw him, in-person, was 25 March. His sleek fur was fairly healthy, but in newer photos on LINE it's become wavey. Some of the LINE photos of him aren't loading. Don't they know how important this is?

Phone gallery didn't even recognize a photo of him on his last day as a cat.

So early in the morning, too early in his life.
Any time would be too early.
His nose and lips and gums were so white.

I love you

I love you

I love you

love kitty forever

love you forever

there will never be another like you

I love you

2008 - 2026