I want to tie my academic performance (by which I mean my lack thereof) on the fact that much of my time was eaten up by streaming and content creation and so on, but it would be disingenuous to do so.

I am aware, that my shortcomings are entirely product of myself, my actions, my inaction. I can't definitively state that my dropping grades are in any way related to external factors, as much as I would really like that to be the case. I want to be able to say, this-and-this-and-this are the reasons I failed.

It's nice to blame others.

It protects my ego. Makes me feel better about myself.

What am I even saying?

I don't know. This is all to lead to my most recent and frequent thought: If I were to kill myself, I wouldn't have to deal with any of this.

It's cheap. It's pathetic. It's a cop-out, if i'm even using that word correctly. And besides, I couldn't commit. I'm a coward. I've never done anything noteworthy (My dim existence peaked after being featured on an Amino front page and has been downhill ever since), so I certainly couldn't do anything as grand as die by my own hand. Realistically, I'll fade out from cardiovascular disease or cancer or some other condition.

Goodness, what a change in tone from the last few entries. Must be jarring to read.

I WILL be MOE ★ !!!

But what is moe? Moe is cute, moe is.... uhm.... Moe is, according to Pixiv Dictionary, the "cute", the "loveable", the "like". Not a good translation, I am aware. Regardless, the answer is what makes the wotaku heart go kyun! or something. Maybe some doki doki or similar sfx. What I'm getting at is: moe is "cute", Japan. I guess.

What are Mugu's Moe: Charm ★ Points?

Mugu is moe in what way? Certainly not in the very traditional moe way. Not at all Konata Izumi... Or Rem or Lum or Misaka Mikoto (hawt)... Hold on, let me go take a dere test again. I think I was dandere?

Yes. I am. I also got Utsudere on another quiz (Can't be bothered to properly iframe that). Well, who says a bat can't be both?

So from this we can ascertain some charm ★ points (because moe points are a different thing)... those being:

• Megane (meganekko)
• Mekakure
• Kemomimi
• Beeg Awesome Wings
• Thigh-Highs (technically)

• Scatterbrained (occhokochoi, there's your Japanese vocab word of the day)
• Nervousness?
• I don't know how to write about this one. The "going-bye-bye-and-thank-you-for-coming-repeatedly-at-the-end-of-stream" aspect.

In retrospect, I should have made an entry for my hiatus start. That would have been a great!!! reason to write about. I need to write more. I've said that, I think.

But, that's in the past. No need to fret over something that I can't change. Especially something so minor... Not when I have much more pointless things to fret about!!! I don't know if I'll ever really go into detail about that. I'm ashamed (only a little) about That Thing (by which I mean the thing I normally fret about. To be clear that's what I was going on about). But shame is kind of a foreign concept to me.

Ahm, no, the reason(s) I won't say is that I would not like people to realize who exactly I am malding over (the likelihood of that happening is very slim but I don't like the thought of risking it), but more than that, I'm just kind of personal about that sort of thing. I keep things to myself. I don't know a good word for that. I need to read more (everybody does~! No, really. Have you seen the average literacy of internetizens? (Hey, I know the word is netizen, but I just thought to try that one out)). Alas, I am lazy. But in spite of all my failings and shortcomings, I still find myself inappropriately uppity about myself. Before I get more off topic, I should say that the not-wanting-people-to-know-who or whatever is more about self-preservation.

Nya! No, I can't do that. I mean, bat's don't make that sound. According to a search engine (not G＊＊gle, suck it) result, bats make a "chi-chi-chi-chi" or "kii-kii-" sound. Not super cute. But still, a hint of moe is to be found! Imagine this, bat-girl is immersed in something (doesn't matter what) and you surpise her, maybe like how Shinichi did to Ran with the Cola at Tropical Land:

Like this Like this! Yeah! Anyway, then bat-girl would go "Kiiiiiii!!!!" really loud. Deafening, or barely audible because it's so high-pitched. That, I say, is moe ★ !

Anyway, before I got sidetracked (again), I was going to say that I should put some chuubah updates on here. Wouldn't it be interesting?

Lesson learned: Don't go factory-resetting your paso-kon (I'm trying to be moe, and random Japanese is moe, I think) willy-nilly. Well, technically there was a reason, to clear my cache in a really easy way. Also, to see if resetting would allow me to reset my Live2d Premium Trial Period (spoiler: that didn't work. I ended up pawing over the monies... cri).

Things that for whatever reason don't really work anymore:

• The Neocities CLI (calling it in Terminal returns an error). Installed exactly the same way I did prior. But there's an error, see below. It should be noted that pre-reset and current both ran the same exact OS version.

  im going mad
  it shows up in gem list
  and it's using the correct ruby (which ruby returns the homebrew one)
  i did the same things i did installing it last but it's just not working this time. i don't know but i think im blaming apple https://t.co/YhMapMODdJ

  — mugu - c0mms open - batchuuba (@k_mugu) March 1, 2026

It's possible that other gems don't work, but I don't usually do much with Ruby, so I don't know yet. I have not tested. What I've done on Homebrew has mostly worked, though. What hasn't appears to be due to issues in the formulae code (and so out of my scope), or some other external factor.

So, I can no longer push my site via Terminal. It used to be so easy, I had sitepush as an alias for neocities push ./Downloads/meow-or-never. So easy. Now I have to go to the website and upload the entire thing. Sigh...

• Extending my screen to my iPad. It just doesn't. What dah hell! If you're an awesome pawsome batbro who tuned in once in a while, you may know that sometimes I liked to extend my screen to my iPad. It's like having a portable extra monitor. Well, that's not working anymore.
• On a similar note, iPhone Mirroring doesn't work either. Every time, I get that error that says my phone needs to have been turned on recently and nearby and have Bluetooth and Wifi turned on. Okay, I do that. Still doesn't work.

Does technology degrade as you reset? I'm not sure if I want that to be true.

P.S. I have not gotten very far in my Javascript journey...

Uwahhhh!!! I want to eat a human!!!

flesh, flesh, people-meat!
on a table, serve and eat!
tender meat pulled from bone,
human body, lying prone!

cook and braise, mince or raw,
either way, how bourgeois!
muscle, sinew, fat and thew,
let me take a bite and chew!

nabe, sausage, roast fillet,
from your all a fine buffet.
your cadaver, torn apart,
nothing left but your heart!

The Beauty of Carnism!!!

Mmm, I will admit, that could be better. But, that's not the point! The point is not the rhyme or prose or anything of the sort.

I've been daydreaming quite a bit of a below-knee amputation, then skinning and cooking the foot-meat. I'd gag a bit at the prep, but I'd power through it. Feet, I imagine, are somewhat tough from their constant use. Therefore, I would reason that a slow-cook would be ideal. Is chāshū (char sui?) slow cooked? I think if so, it would be a good choice. Substitute the pig for long pig.

Anyway, that's just a fantasy. I'm much too indecisive to even get a tattoo, much less a voluntary amputation.

The appeal is the taboo aspect of it. For sure. But if that negatively affects your persception of me, then it's its allegorical potential as a metaphor for love and yearning and stuff. But an entire poem praising meat for meat, and all those words following probably don't help with that cause.

I think much of this dissonance that I can experience is due to my perseption of myself being that of not-a-person. But I imagine that should the possibility for people-eating appear, I'd balk. That's to be expected, it's tough to overcome societal conditioning.

All of this is weird, isn't it? That's probably what you think (at best). BUT, know this: I'm not going to write about the mundane on this page. Why would I do that? BORING!!!! But don't think me too much about freak. Fantasy is not a crime, and I'm not watching snuff. When I go on /gif/, it's not to watch people get rekt, it's to watch NORMAL REGULAR PEOPLE PORNOGRAPHY!

And, uhmm..... I don't know how to bring this up in a more casual fashion, but here's a link on butchering a certain featherless bipedal animal. Kewl, right? If you're a bit sqeamish, maybe reconsider clicking. There's no pictures, for those wondering, just that if the meat paradox makes you reconsider that 20% off mince, know that this could do worse.

One last thing, reader, do you know what a(the) Dolcett fantasy is? Before you jump to conclusions, this is nothing close to an admission. I don't derive a carnal pleasure from the thought (the feel is more akin to mouth-watering at the thought of a NORMAl meal) discriminate in my thirst for flesh. I just thought it interesting. If you didn't know of it, now you do.

I'm (re)learning stuff about OPSEC, because I'm being driven insane.

I am hated, everything you do, is to spite me. To torment me. You know, how much I want to kill you. Is it mutual? Is this feeling reciprocated? I think I'm being delusional. But sometimes, your actions really make me wonder. Do you hate me (You do, I know it, you hate me)? Won't you look at me? I want you to look at me and sneer, so I can feel justified in my hatred for you. Because at the moment, it's pretty unfounded. I am lucid enough to recognize that fact.

And when I'm not, when I see you, and when others do too, I fantasize about vile things.

I've always quite liked the topic of torture. Cat-O-Nine-Tails, shattering flesh. Or the Iron Maiden. Yes, it didn't really exist in the way it was said to. But what a gruesome thing. To force the confined to stand, hours, days, lest they(it!) be stabbed by iron. I actually don't think that that was the advertised use, but this one is much better anyway. And what of dendrocnide moroides, or as it's also known, gympie-gympie. Do you know of it? Its maddening bite(sting)? Hairs on the surface of the leaves (maybe elsewhere too), called trichomes (I believe) deliver a long-lasting pain. What fun. But it's only found in some square in Australia. Sigh.

I want to hurt you.

Really, truly.

I retire every night comforted by the thought of wearing your face-skin as a mask. Assuming your identity. Reveling in the thought of ruining all you are, all you have.

I... should do something about these thoughts. Not murder, I'm actually much too incompetent. I guess I am doing something. Writing. I think it's cathartic.

To end it all, alphabet boys, this is not directed at a politician.

I'm learning Javascript with the sole intent of compromising the safety and privacy of YOU!!

Make peace with your stupidity, reader. Accept it with open arms and a warm heart. Surrender yourself to stupididty. Apparently, it's your natural state. But of course, reader, that is not to say that one should abandon all hope, just start knowing that you don't know.

I have nothing, and I, arrogantly, want everything. The admiration, adoration, whatever, maybe even admonishment from others. I am starved of attention, and funnily enough, only that. I am certainly not "starving" in any other right of the word. You wouldn't think it, seeing me. Uhb, enough of that.

So what? What now? Do I whore myself out? For a morsel of attention? Is that it????? I'm flat as a board and fat too. Yes, I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others. I'm sorry, if anyone cares. But I can't help it.

These thoughts are unhealthy. This is unhealthy. I know it, but I know no other life.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I was kinda going mental earlier, luckily that's for the most part over with. I was just caught up in the ephemerality of everything, was kind of making me feel inhuman. Not-a-person, again. Yes yes, life is ephemeral, and so is everything in the tangible surrounding, but I didn't really previously understand that to a certain degree. I just didn't think about it. But then I considered how humans live for like 70~80 years and conk out (?) and that's it, story over. I think I was supposed to have this realization when I was a good deal younger, but I've always been kind of slow in that regard.

So recently, I've been thinking about, uh, marriage. But to be clear, I don't expect this to actually happen. Because if it's with me, then it's obviously about my oshi. So an Oshi-Kon. Oshi-Kekkon. You know. Or maybe you don't. Not that it matters much.

Hmmmmm...Being really married to my oshi...what a lovely idea. Brings a heat to my face, hehe. I have a shrine page on here but it's empty. Actually, no, as of time of writing there's not even an HTML page made yet. Moving on...

How would other people want to be proposed to, first of all? There's of course the classic, down-on-one-knee with a ring and box in hand, asking for marriage. In a nice scenic location, like at a fancy high-end restraunt or on a scenic (thesaurus needed!) walk in an autumn woodland. Or on a beach, or at a baseball game... I don't know, whatever Bitlife comes up with I'm writing. That game kinda sucks, by the way. So many paywalled elements... I'm getting derailed...

Personally, though, I would not like that sort of proposal. No way. First of all, if it's in public, there's a social pressure to accept the proposal. That's why if a couple were to do that, they have to be both on board with the idea of marriage. Otherwise it's manipulative!

So anyway, I want to be proposed to by my oshi as follows: The topic of marriage is brought up casually one day. I think, a "we should marry", or something, while doing something routine or not particularly unusual. Like watching a movie. Yeah. But I only really like nature documentaries. Oh, but I couldn't be the one to say it. That's so not me. My beloved oshi would, and then I would go, "Huh?", not because I didn't hear but because I didn't really process it yet.

And then from there we would happily and lightheartedly discuss our plans for our married life, small tidbits like "we should get a Monstera plant" or talks of finally adopting a cat, which would be an orange cat, and naming it Ebi-Mayo. Other cat coats (but if we're going for breed, I want a Devon Rex. Love those kitties. They look so cute in crochet cat-hats.) and names are up for consideration.

*Ethereal Chimes*

I later made an art. Waow.

Sorry, I take severe psychic damage if I draw my husbando poorly. So this will have to do.

I've come to realize, who cares about making sense? I sure don't. I mean, I do, but it's not a priotrity. Here's a jumble of words, no thoughts given:

Served on silver platters,
An astringent cinnamon-yarrow tea,
A long-flat champagne fizz,
Inedible potpourri,
A dessert pastry made with meat.
yum yum yum.

I don't know what's come over me recently.

Daily life is fleeting, in spite of the admittedly drudging pace at which time seems to pass, and I find I am all too often looking at "life" as a whole. That this, too, is ephemeral. And from this stance, I find myself also percieving myself as merely a 158?cm, floundering stack of skin on flesh, pulled over a framework of bones, all operated by electric signals released and received by neurons. Which is what I am. Which is what humans are. I know and knew that. But it feels different, more impersonal, if that's the right word.

I cannot explain this better. I am not exactly giften in speech. But I am trying.

There feels this invisible wall between what I thought was "me" and the real, tangible world. I am not a "me", but rather just that pile of skin on flesh on bones. There is not really a "me". There cannot be one. What "I" thought was "me" was merely the product of the extraordinary phenomenon of sentience.

This body is operated to do, what? I think, utilitarian ends. But I am not sure. There's no one to decide that but me, I suppose. And there is not a me to decide.

And further, in spite of the above nonsense, I cannot help but feel that there is a me. But maybe, not quite what I originally thought it to be. Sometimes, and I'm aware this is quite silly, but I feel like a character in a video game to be controlled, also I suppose by me. Who else? The neurons.

This scrawling on a (text) page is not turning out quite how I want, but I don't think I'm capable of expressing truly how I feel. Especially since I don't understand it myself. I cannot articulate what I cannot understand.

Oh, I've been out of my medications for the past week. Potentially related, but I think it was not the lack of my daily psychiatric medications that caused this. Just that the lack of them is exacerbating thinsgs.
That's the end of this bit, stop reading.

Oh, a happy very-belated first birthday to meow site!! Hurray!! Confetti and streamers!! I for sure didn't only just now realize... In all seriousness, it's hard to believe it's been (over) a year since the inception of meow-or-never. Really, time flies, huh? It was created, uhm.... 15日3月2024年!! Wow... Admittedly, much of that time it had spent in existence was as a "coming soon" page. And it took aeons for that thing to come, not at all soon. Hahah. Hehehe.

Fun-fun fact, the entry above existed, for, well, as long as it did, but it wasn't always accessible. And there were more entries that followed it, that were later deleted. Nothing important. Not that anything on here ever is... Uh, anyway, the deleted entries in question were about, like, my anxious thoughts. Nothing to say about that. Which is a good thing. I'm all medicated and, like, chill... for the most part.

That's the end of this bit, stop reading.

I dislike coding. Even just HTML is a pain to me (but it's probably the easiest coding language), not to speak of any other types of languages...So that's why I never really did anything substantial with this site. Well, that's not the only reason. I have nothing to add to the great World Wide Web (though I think 'www' is depreciated now. I don't know!! I don't know anything!!!!!). I have absolutely nothing to offer!!!!!!! Who cares what I like? I've nothing to add to anything! Nothing on current affairs, or anything of the sort. Which is to say, I created meow-or-never on a whim one day and then. Nothing.

But what's it matter that I have nothing to say?? Who cares!! (I did, at some point). But now? It doesn't matter. I want a place to spill out my incoherent nothings! There are all sorts of sites on the internet! What's the harm in my own? I want my own place, away from the clamor of twitter, aka xitter (the only people to call it 'X' are journalists and Elon meatriders), my most frequently used social site. I'm not proud of that part. But hey, cats! And art! And pointless discourse.

...Ah, I'm no blogger, though. I can't weave compelling articles from the mundanity that is my life. Or something like that. I don't really have my own niche (on a side note, I've come to notice that some people pronounce 'niche' as 'nich'. Ending in an unpleasant 'ch'. Wrong and gross, be ashamed.) here to fill. I can't, for example, write about a script that finds every .horse TLD and lists them out. As mentioned previously, I don't like coding. I don't really do it(That's why this site looks the way it does). And when I did code, in Python, in JS, it was all very beginner-level nonsense.

I think I'm setting my standard for personal sites too high.

Most people who have their own sites make it entirely for themselves. Of course, those sites are a relic of the past. Why use Tripod, or Wix, or Geocities, or the more contemporary neocities, or Hatenablog, or that-other-web-or-blog-hosting-site-that's-slipped-my-mind when you could just delegate the entirety of your online identity to a single or small handful of sites? That's just convenient! I won't deny that. It's the reason that it took me so long to actually create one, and then add content to it, despite wanting it for years now. (Until one day I went, well, I've got to take action, it's meow or never! Oh, look at that!!! A title drop!! Like how it's done in mediocre movies.) And the coding part, too. HTML's fine, honestly. But that's it.

Maybe one day, I'll get better at that. And writing, and hopefully maybe putting my thoughts into text. As things stand currently I'm just a jumbled mess of emotions and ideas and thoughts begging to be given form ................. And then maybe, come some far-away day, when I'm slightly more knowledge on tech (in general) and financially stable (always the end goal), I'll self-host. That's my end goal for this site. To be able to show and say quite literally whatever and not fear the big ban hammer of Neocities. Then I can go into detail about whichever rich influential person I feel deserves whatever thing I can think of. Or porn, I haven't decided yet.

That's the end of this bit, stop reading.